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Marriage changes passion. Suddenly I'm in bed with a relative. 

I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or a moaner! 

Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants. 

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones she's been giving me lately! 

There are two sides to every divorce: mine and shit head's. 

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it, so I asked "Implants?" 

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

This is as bad as it can get, but I don't bet on it. 

Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exist elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. 

Every day I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive. 

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate. 

It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything good. 

The world gets a little better every day, and worse in the evening. 

Sometimes too much drink is not enough. 

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just standing up fast. 

Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 

I have my own little world. But it's OK, they know me here. 

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

The most precious thing I have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value. 

I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.