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Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 

By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends. 

You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track. 

The other line always moves faster, until you get in it. 

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. 

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. 

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity. 

The facts, although interesting, are generally irrelevant. 

If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation. 

If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. 

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The Romans did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those people who opposed them. 

Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself. 

Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. 

Plagiarism saves time. 

The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. 

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. 

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing! 

Snowmen fall from heaven unassembled.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. 

Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them? 

Some people are like Slinkies, not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. 

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? 

In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. 

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 

You read about all these terrorists - most of them came here legally, but they hung around on expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration!