A New Hotline ServiceThis is a transcript of the new hotline service recently installed at our Mental Health NHS Trust headquarters.
Hello, and welcome to the mental health trust hotline.
* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer.
* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and you mother's maiden name.
* If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you.
Thank you for calling our hotline.