A New Hotline Service

This is a transcript of the new hotline service recently installed at our Mental Health NHS Trust headquarters. 

Hello, and welcome to the mental health trust hotline. 

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. 

* If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. 

* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. 

* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. 

* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. 

* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. 

* If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no-one will answer. 

* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. 

* If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and you mother's maiden name. 

* If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. 

* If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. 

* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to talk to you. 

Thank you for calling our hotline.