Jewish Wisdom

Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University: "The future of the Jewish people is in your hands."

My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty. . . They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.

Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up. They have no holidays.

Don't be humble; you are not that great.

The time is at hand when the wearing of a prayer shawl and skullcap will not bar a man from the White House, unless, of course, the man is Jewish.

Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.